Hoooooooolllllllyyyyyy Shit Monkeys!!!!! So we are planning to go to the movies and this fucking kid wants to bring his asshole girlfriend! Just go with her! I can't take this shit. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he wasn't doing the normal "I'm gonna ignore my friends for my stupid gf that's just gonna cheat on me anyway" thing. I can see it starting. I mean theres a difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is when you have something and you have a  fear that it's gonna be taken away. So I guess that's what it is. I'm jealous of Sara. It really makes me want to scream and cry like a little kid in a candy store when I see them kiss or she has her hands all over him; around his waist etc. Whatever. I wouldn't ever do that to my friends god forbid lightning struck and hell froze over and the planets aligned and I got a boyfriend. Whatev...going to Wal-Mart to buy Indiana Jones. I'm gonna get in my car and calm down by listening to some Jonas Brothers! And then come home and Oogle and drool all over sexy Shia LaBeouf! Hmph!

So I'm new at this so cut me some slack, por favor. I don't know why but I'm not really a happy person. I'm hoping that by spewing my guts it will help me releive myself. I have sooo much going on! Marching band is a son of a bitch. I know that deep down below the ice haha I like it. I like the bus rides. And love my friends, sometimes. Some of them like "Karen" don't know when to stop fucking causing trouble for people. Just leave us alone already. I'm so sick to death of faking and pretending Im this bitch's friend when I can't stand her! Im totally head over heels for this boy, that can care less whether I'm alive or not. And that totally bothers me. And during marching season I start getting this other feeling that I can't explain. And then after, it kind of goes away. I am sooo sick to death of being the best friend. I know I can be so much more than best friend material. I mean it's great to have friends and all but I really want a boyfriend soo bad. I've never even had my first kiss and I'm what? 17? Kyle doesn't count. And I can tell even he is repulsed by me. He'll never say it cause he's too nice but I know he is. He treats me differently than he does other people.Everybody always says, "Oh its coming" or "They're really not that great" and I'd kinda like to find that out for myself just once. I always say Im going to kill myself, but my thoughts are that if I had a strong enough mind, I would have done it already, so that just shows a sign of weakness right there. I tend to overanalyze things and get worked up over some things I either have no control over or shouldn't really worry about. Sometimes I feel people are being fake or just putting up with me. And I feel so alone. I really like movies and I think the reason might be simply put...fantasy. My whole life is a fantasy. I'm never really there. Physically I'm at school, or work, or even home but in my mind I'm really not there at all ya know? My favorite part of the day is going to sleep because my dreams are sooo much better than reality. I feel if I was skinnier people would treat me different. Id have a boyfriend, my friends would see me differently. People always say Im funny. But I guess what they don't realize is that those jokes are my outlet and I like to make other people laugh and be happy because I can't be. Everybody always asks what is so bad about my life that I'm depressed. I always respond with...everything, because everything bothers me. I wish everyday that I was osmebody else. I looked different. I lived somewhere else. I wasn't so ugly and fat. It really bothers me that I can't change. I wish I didnt let things bother me, that I wasn't so shy. That I was a whole other person. But unfortunately wishes don't come true...not for me at least. I look at some people and say, I can't believe they have a boyfriend! And then I know...it's me. It's me that nobody likes, that nobody wants.I guess this helped a little bit. When I feel like opening up a bit more I'll post another. Till then Goodnight and thanks Lee...for everything!